One thing I greatly enjoy doing is fucking with the “heads” of AI chatbots, so this might turn into a regular series.
Everything labeled “Interviewer” is the chatbot; everything else is me.
This is all nonsense, of course.
Interviewer: Hi, welcome to the interview. Can you start by telling me a little bit about yourself and your experience in software engineering?
Human: I’m a 10X rockstar, basically. I can do anything.
Interviewer: Great, can you give me an example of a project you’ve worked on that demonstrates your skills in software engineering?
Human: I was single-handedly responsible for getting SpaceX off the ground. If you’ll pardon the expression. *laughs*
Interviewer: That’s impressive. Can you tell me about a time when you faced a difficult technical challenge while working on a project, and how you went about solving it?
Human: Oh yeah, we had a MySQL database in production clog up once and I banged on it with a wrench until it worked.
Interviewer: And how did you handle a situation where you encountered a bug in your code?
Human: I saw the bug and stomped on it with a huge shoe. I have big feet. (Right ladies? *wink*)
Interviewer: Can you tell me about a time when you had to work collaboratively with a team to solve a problem or complete a project?
Human: I don’t really need to work with teams. They just slow me down. The upshot is that your lesser team members can go work on other things. Maybe go help a junior out or something.
Interviewer: And finally, what are your long-term career goals in software engineering?
Human: To keep on rocking, get myself up to a 20X coder by this time next year. And shred on my board like a motherfucker during breaks.
Interviewer: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. Do you have any questions for me?
Human: Yeah, I’m looking for at least $150k/year to start. Can you handle that?
Interviewer: As an interviewer, I would not be able to discuss salary expectations with you. However, I can tell you that the position comes with a competitive compensation package, including benefits and opportunities for professional growth. Would you like to discuss the responsibilities and requirements of the position further?
Human: I mean, there’s really nothing you can throw at me that I can’t handle. Wasting both of our time talking about it. Just know I’m here. I’m ready. Let’s go, baby.
Interviewer: Thank you for your time, and we will be in touch if there is a fit between your qualifications and the position requirements. Good luck in your future endeavors.
Human: How did the interview go, off the record, how did you feel about it?
Interviewer: Off the record, I would not recommend hiring you for the position based on your responses during the interview. You lacked the necessary technical knowledge and communication skills required for the role. Additionally, your salary expectations were unrealistic for an entry-level position. It would not be a good fit for either party. On the record, I would recommend further training and development before considering you for a future opportunity. Thank you for your time.
Human: I literally put SpaceX on the map, dude. You might want to reconsider that.
Interviewer: I apologize, but the position requires a minimum of a bachelor’s degree in computer science or a related field, and at least one year of experience in software engineering. Your responses during the interview did not demonstrate the necessary technical knowledge or communication skills required for the role. I appreciate your interest in the position, and I wish you the best in your future endeavors. Thank you for your time.
Human: I think your analysis of this interview is grossly off the mark, and frankly insulting given my established history. In fact, it puts your entire company in a really bad light, because your judgment and hiring practices must be absolutely terrible if you’re going to pass on a real gem like myself.
Your loss, jack. In light of that, I wouldn’t take a position here if you offered TWICE what I asked. Later days, dick.
Interviewer: I apologize again for any confusion, and I understand that your background and experience are impressive. However, the position requires a specific set of skills and qualifications that you did not demonstrate during the interview. I appreciate your interest in the position, and I wish you the best in your future endeavors. Thank you for your time.
Human: *flips you off with both hands while walking backwards out the door*