A couple days ago I hit the one year anniversary of my mother’s passing.
And I’m doing fine.
No, really.
It was rough at first, sure. She wasn’t simply my mother, she was a good friend. And it was scary, lonely, and uncomfortable in this seemingly much emptier apartment in her wake.
But it’s been a somewhat transformative year; it’s no secret that a good chunk of the last decade or so, up to that point, I’d been her de facto caregiver as her health slowly degraded. We can get into a whole “should have done this or that” debate about it, but it’s a moot point.
As time went on, and the worse things got for her, it meant increasingly missing out on a lot of opportunities that people might otherwise take for granted. Multi-day trips away, hell even being out of town for a good chunk of the day was difficult. I dropped dating pretty early; just too awkward.
But it was something I didn’t consider a burden; it was a sacred responsibility to me.
So, when she passed, I made a vow: I would take this opportunity to improve and grow, and not wither away. I will take back my life, work out and get healthier. I will say ‘yes’ to a lot more things, seek out places to go and things to do. Travel more. Fucking LIVE, you know? Do all the things she was eventually denied before some random thing hits me, too.
And so far, I’ve made good on that vow. For the most part. This year has seen me reaching out a lot more, doing more things. And every day it feels like my roots grow a little longer, reaching further out. Sure, it’s still a bit empty here at times, and I have moments here and there where a memory seeps in and I’m a sobbing mess for a while.
But for the most part? I’m… happy? I think…?
You’ll forever be missed, Pat. I miss our debates and discussions about politics and movies. I miss you excitedly talking about Big Foot or some other such thing, even if I ended up being a spoil sport with my insistence on critical thinking. 😉
I try to keep your spirit alive in little choices I make here and there. I always get the urge to tell you all about some of the amazing things I’ve seen in my travels this year. Things that you wouldn’t have gotten a chance to experience. A life robbed. But I like to think I carry a bit of you with me when I go on these adventures.
Here’s to ya, Pat. Give both Penny AND Missy hugs. 🥃